Miss Pauling in Wonderland
by Devil Woman
Summary: The title says it all: an Alice in Wonderland parody featuring the cast of Team Fortress 2!
1. Following The Scout Rabbit to Wonderland

Miss Pauling in Wonderland

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Team Fortress 2. Valve owns the copyrights. I also do not own Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I believe the book is in public domain, but who know, all I know is that Lewis Carroll is the original author and I'm not.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well here we are! If you have read the companion piece to this story, called _The Tentaspy: A Nonsensical Tale_, then you'll know what you're about to get into. For those who haven't, do so now! If not, then buckle up! I noticed that with every fandom there is always an _Alice in Wonderland_ parody afoot and to my knowledge, there isn't one for TF2. So, I figured, why the hell not, I'll take a stab at it! Now, this is just my vision, so if you don't like it, go home and write your own! Just enjoy the oddity that is this work. Also, please leave a review if you do so incline: I'm curious to see what everyone thinks (just be polite and not a troll. If you are a troll, I shall find you and feed you to the Jabberwocky, he likes trolls)!

…..

It had been a long, tiring day. Miss Pauling was ready to clock out and go home. Being the assistant to Helen, the Administrator for Mann Co. was not a bad job. Good pay, good benefits, plus it was also located in a rather scenic part of the country. However, Helen was a rather difficult person to get along with. Wither her sharp tongue and even sharper actions, the Administrator could make your life a living hell! And today was a hellish day.

First, Miss Pauling was late for work, on account she forgot to set her alarm clock the night before. Then while conducting the monthly expenses, her calculations where off and Helen caught her mistake. And to add the cherry on the top of the bad day sundae, the RED Scout was flirting with her again! He was an annoying little bastard to begin with and now that the Scout had taken a fancy to her, Miss Pauling wasn't looking forward to coming to work.

But still, the day was coming to an end and that meant a nice, quiet evening at her apartment with a glass of wine, a nice jazz record on the stereo and her new copy of Woman's Hairstyles and Guns magazine. With renewed vigor, Miss Pauling finished the last of the filing and locked up her office for the night. The sun was just starting to set over Teufort as she walked across the parking lot to her car. Bit no, this day wasn't going to end on a good note…the RED Scout was there, waiting to try and coax a date out of Miss Pauling. She grimaced at the Scout, who only smiled at her.

"For the last time Scout, I said no." she stated.

"I love it when a woman plays hard ta get." Scout said, giving her a playful wink. Miss Pauling just rolled her eyes.

"Scout, I'm tired. I've had a rather long, difficult day and I would like nothing more than to just get in my car and go home for the night."

"Oh, come on Miss P! Just say you'll go on a date with me an' I won't botha ya no more."

_I highly doubt it._ Miss Pauling thought to herself as she ignored Scout and continued on her way. He followed her to her car like a lost little puppy. Just as she was about to put her keys into the car door, Scout tapped her shoulder.

"What?!" she said as she whipped around to look at Scout, annoyed that she refused to drop the subject.

"Close yur eyes." he asked her.

"No Scout, no more games."

"This isn't a game. I promise!"

_Might as well humor him._ Miss Pauling sighed and closed her eyes. "How long do I have to keep them closed?" The RED Scout didn't answer. Miss Pauling was getting annoyed. Finally, she let out a huff and opened her eyes. To her surprise, Scout was dressed differently. He wore a red waistcoat over a crisp, white dress shirt. He also had on black trouser dress pants, yet still retained his trademark running shoes. A gold pocket watch on a matching chain was attached to his waistcoat. For once, Scout was dressed rather handsome, instead of grubby and sloppy. The only thing off putting about Scout's new outfit was the white rabbit ears that now sprung up from the top of his head, just peaking under his baseball cap and earpiece.

"What is this now?!" Miss Pauling pointed to Scout's attire.

"Awww, you lost!" he pouted. "Guess I'll be taking these!" he quickly snatched up her car keys and dashed away.

"Scout, you come back here this instant!" Miss Pauling shouted and started to chase after him.

"Can you keep up?" he called back to her.

Miss Pauling cursed under her breathe as she followed Scout toward the battle yard. Normally, the area would be full of grown mean slicing, shooting and stabbing one another. Now that the day had ended, the lot was eerily quiet and calm. The Scout Rabbit (Miss Pauling noticed he had a white puffball tail on his backside) eyed an opening to an underground mine. He turned around to see Miss Pauling quickly catching up to him. Scout jumped into the hole just as she was no more than a foot away. Miss Pauling stared at where the rabbit was. "For the love of…" she started to say, but realized there was no other option. With remorse, she jumped into the hole and followed the Bostonian.

At first, she was in a free fall. Now regretting her foolish decision, Miss Pauling was not fearful. She was sure that she would meet her end in the dark pit. But then something strange happened: It must have been an air current or something, but she felt air coming from underneath her. The current cause her dress to slight billow out like a parachute, allowing her float, thus slowing down her fall. Miss Pauling, who had shut her eyes, slowly opened them and saw that the sides of the hole where now dimly lit by kerosene lamps. She also took note of all the various objects that floated past her: cans of Bonk! Atomic Punch and Crit-a-Cola, some pieces of furniture, a globe and a video camera.

"I wonder if that Director fell down this hole too." Miss Pauling reminisced. She had killed him though, but giving the current circumstances, it seemed that by dumping his body here, she might just find his body. While trying not think about such unpleasantness, she suddenly hit the bottom of the hole, landing in a pile of dead, dry leaves and twigs. Miss Pauling stood up and brushed off the excess leaves from her purple polo shirt dress and adjusted her matching cat eye glasses. As she was picking out the twigs from her black flats, the Scout Rabbit called out to her.

"You made it alright!" Miss Pauling glared at him.

"Give me back my car keys!"

"Sorry, I'm running late and you're just going have to wait." He said and sprinted off.


	2. The Hall of Doors

Miss Pauling followed him down a hallway and through a green door. When she entered the room, she noticed that there were several more doors all lined up on either side. Each door was painted a different color, appearing to form a rainbow. She didn't see the Scout Rabbit anywhere.

"Now where did he go?"

Miss Pauling heard footsteps and saw the door at the end of the hallway. Quickly running up to it, she now saw that the door was the size of a mouse hole!

"How did he get through something so small?" she wondered.

Miss Pauling looked up from the door and saw a small table with a clear glass bottle and a small matching glass. Inside the bottle was a liquid the color of red fruit punch. Next to the bottle and glass was a small golden key and a note. The note read "Drink Me!" Grabbing the key and putting in the keyhole of the tiny door, the locked clicked open and Miss Pauling peered inside to see that the door lead to a beautiful garden. It was filled with a variety of colorful, blooming flowers and topiary animals.

"He must have gone into that garden." She said and closed the door. Eyeing the bottle filled with the red liquid, Miss Pauling placed the key on the tray and picked up container. Uncorking it, she sniffed its contents.

"It doesn't smell like poison…although there are some poisons that are odorless."

She knew better but her curiosity got the better of her. Pouring some of the liquid into the glass, Miss Pauling took a sip and swallowed, letting it settle in her stomach. It tasted like that awful Bonk! Atomic Punch the RED Scout favored! And yet...she was compelled to have more. When she finished her glass, Miss Pauling was about to pour herself another one when she couldn't reach the counter. Suddenly, she was shrinking and was soon no smaller than that of a mouse!

"Huh?!" She looked up at the table, now as tall as a skyscraper! Miss Pauling, wondering how her clothes managed to stay the same despite shrinking, suddenly realized something. She was the right size to fit through the door. She grabbed the door by its handle and pulled to open it. It didn't budge. She reached into her pocket to grab the key and pulled out nothing.

"I forgot to grab the key!" Miss Pauling punched the door in frustration, knowing that it wasn't going to help open it. "Oh, I hope I won't be stuck this small from now on. This'll make my job impossible to perform!"

As she contemplated her size, a tiny box appeared next to her. Miss Pauling opened it and discovered a small round cake inside. The chocolate covered caked at the words "Eat Me" written in orange frosting. "If the drink shrank me, then perhaps this cake will bring me back to my right size." Without hesitation, she bit into the cake, chewed and swallowed. She waited for a minute or two. Nothing. "How long is this going to—OUCH!"

Miss Pauling shot up like a rocket, quickly growing taller and larger. Growing past the table and hitting the ceiling, she rubbed her head, soothing the pain away. She was now the size of a giant, just like the ones she used to read in her fairy book as a child. "Great…just great." Miss Pauling said. She felt tears of frustration starting to form. A few did escape, falling to the floor before Miss Pauling forced herself to stop. "Don't cry!" she scolded to herself "You're a grown woman, act like it!"

Suddenly, the Scout Rabbit entered the room. He was making his way toward the end of the hall when he looked up and saw Miss Pauling, huddled in the corner of the room, trying her best to be comfortable despite her unusual height.

"Whoa! I don't mind datin' tall women, but you certainly take the cake."

"You! Come over here right now!"

Using her new height to its advantage, Miss Pauling started to reach over to Scout to grab him. The little bunny let out a yelp and made a hasty escape.

"Damn!" But all was not lost. Miss Pauling noticed that Scout had left behind a pair of white dress gloves and a fan. Picking them up gingerly with her large fingers, she eyed them carefully. "Better put the gloves in a safe place." She said as she put them in her dress pocket. Now holding the fan, she started to fan herself, as it had become stuffy inside the room. No sooner had she begun to do so, Miss Pauling felt herself becoming smaller. The fan was causing her to shrink! Maybe it'll allow her to be her normal height once more. No such luck; she was now back to being the size of a mouse once again. However, she was now in what appeared to be an ocean!

"I guess a few tears must have escaped." She commented as she was now being led by the stream's current toward a crack in the wall. Now traveling in the water, she eyed a beach and swam toward land. Once she was out of the water, Miss Pauling rung out the excess water from her dress and hair. "Now which way do I go?" she asked and saw a path that leads to a forest from the beach. Miss Pauling followed the path, hoping to find the Scout Rabbit, get her car keys back from him and finally go home.


	3. Meeting Heavy-Dee and Heavy-Dum

As Miss Pauling continued to walk down the forest path, she hoped to find someone soon. She was in a strange place and had the foggiest idea on where to go. Maybe by finding someone, they might have seen the Scout Rabbit. While being lost in thought, she bumped into an object. Miss Pauling looked and saw two statues of a large, hulking man (who looked similar to the Heavy). Both of the statues where identical in every way, except that one man wore a red English schoolboy uniform and the other wore a blue uniform. Their faces where emotionless and where appearing to be staring off in the distance.

"What curious statues." she remarked. Suddenly, the man in red turned to her and spoke. "We are not statues!" The man in blue also spoke. "We are real!"

"I'm sorry, I just thought…"

"No, don't apologize! If you thought we were statues, you should have asked first." The man in red said. "We are strong men, little bump not enough to hurt us." The man in blue stated.

"Just who are you two men?" Miss Pauling asked.

"Ah, introductions! I am Heavy-Dee." the man in red said. "And I am Heavy-Dum." The man in blue followed.

"Pleased to meet you. Say, have either—" Miss Pauling started to asked before she was interrupted by Heavy-Dum. "No! You must shake hands first!"

"Yes, my brother is right. You must shake our hands. Visit not start on right foot." Heavy-Dee said and extended his hand toward Miss Pauling. Begrudgingly, she shook both the brothers' hands.

"And my name is Miss Pauling. Now that that is out of the way, have either of you seen a Scout running past here? I need to speak to him immediately."

"No, I have not seen little bunny." Dee told her. "I have not as well." said Dum.

"Oh. Well, can you then tell me which way is the best way out of the forest? I feel like I've been going around in circles."

The two men seemed to ignore her question and grinned at her with boyish smiles. Something was up and Miss Pauling knew they were going to deter her from her task.

"Story time!" the two men cried in excitement and snatched up Miss Pauling in their large arms. They took her to a tree stump and placed her gently down upon it.

"No, I can't, I really must be on my way." she tried to explain to the men. But it was no use. The two brothers where blocking her path, determined that she stay put and hear their story. Miss Pauling caved in and sat on the tree stump as the two large men began their tale.

"Long ago, there was a man." started Dum.

"A very large, frighten man." followed Dee.

"He was the best in team. He had many weapons. Best one was Sasha!" Dum smiled broadly.

"Who's Sasha?" Miss Pauling questioned.

"Sasha prized gun. Can fire many bullets!" Dee said and started to imitate a minigun. Dum laughed.

"One day, the giant was fighting when Doctor was in trouble."

"Doctor good friend." Dee mentioned to Miss Pauling.

"Now, man not like when Doctor was in trouble. So, he fired Sasha all over place!" It was Dum who then imitated the gun, followed by Dee laughing.

"Is that all?" she asked the two brothers.

"Yes." "Would you like to hear insults we said to team?"

"I—" but Miss Pauling was interrupted by Dum giving Dee a shove. "I want to sing victory song!" "Song boring! Insults better!"

As the two men continued to fight amongst themselves, Miss Pauling saw this as the perfect opportunity to make a quick getaway. The two brothers where friendly, but they were quite loud and boisterous. And so, Miss Pauling was back on the forest path again, lost and with no particular direction to go.


	4. The Duke of Wonderland

After walking for quite some time, Miss Pauling came upon a familiar looking camper parked in the woods. She went over and rapped on the door. No one answered. She knocked again and this time the door flung open and out stepped a well-dressed man. He wore gray-black trouser pants and a matching vest that covered his white Oxford shirt. He had on a shiny pair of black dress shoes, now scuffed from kicking the door open. What was odd about this man was not only the fact that he wore such nice clothes and living in a camper (two completely opposite images of one another), but the fact that he looked very similar to the Sniper, right down to his aviator sunglasses and slouch hat. He eyed Miss Pauling, looking miffed.

"What 'ya want?"

"Excuse me, uh sir." Miss Pauling stammered, taken aback by the man's tone.

"The name's Duke. As in, I have a duchy in this land; no relation to the cowboy of the same name." he introduced himself curtly. "Well Duke, I was wondering if you've seen a Scout around here? He's taken something of mine and I need it back." Miss Pauling told the man.

"Can't say that I have. Come; let me take you to the shootin' range. I need to warn you about someone who's far more annoying' than a Scout."

The Duke led Miss Pauling around past the camper to a homemade shooting range. Far off in the distance was a crude dummy dressed in blue. The dummy's head, hands and feet where made of white china plates. There was a plate on the dummy's stomach and (in poor taste) his groin. A goofy face was hastily drawn on the plate that was the dummy's head with permanent marker that looked like the BLU Spy.

"Who's that supposed to be?"

"The Cheshire Spy." the Duke said as he loaded his sniper rifle. "Try not to get too friendly with'em. He's nothing more than a bloody spook."

The Duke took aim and fired his rifle. He managed to hit the plate on the dummy's left hand and shattered it. Miss Pauling was impressed. She could fire a gun herself, but not as well as the Duke himself just demonstrated.

"Good shot! Say, I couldn't help but notice that you have a letter stuck in your camper's door. I was wondering who it's from."

"First off, it's a federal offence to snoop at other people's mail."

"It's clearly marked." Miss Pauling told the Duke.

"Bah! Second, if you must know, it's an invitation to the Queen of Heart's garden party."

"Sounds fun! I bet she throws such wonderful parties. I'd certainly love to attend."

"Be my guest. I'm more of a lone wolf type an' don't generally attend the Queen's parties. Also, I'm not exactly on the Queen's 'good company' list, if you know what I mean."

The Duke fired his rifle again, this time hitting the right plate and breaking it. Miss Pauling noticed several jars filled with a dingy yellow liquid. Best not to ask, since a rather unpleasant smell was starting to creep into her nose. _Maybe those jars are the reason why the Duke never gets invited to the Queen's parties. _Miss Pauling thought to herself, trying not to think about the jars anymore.

"If you're a Duke, then why do you live in a van? You hold an important title; you should live in a mansion or something equally impressive." she told the Duke. He let out an irritated sigh.

"It's not a van! It's a camper for god's sake! That stupid cat and bunny call it that all the time, so don't you start!"

"Sorry." Miss Pauling didn't want to make the Duke cross. He took one more shot, this time breaking the plate that was the dummy's head. The Duke smiled to himself, proud of his skill.

Suddenly, smoke came bellowing out from the van, uh, camper's open window. "Bloody hell…" the Duke muttered and quickly raced back to his vehicle. He threw open the door and bolted inside with Miss Pauling following right behind him. The two of them looked into the kitchenette and saw that a pot of soup had just begun to boil over. A pepper grinder was dangling in the air, turning itself, over seasoning the boiling soup.

"That little wanka!" the Duke growled in rage. A hearty laugh came out of nowhere and the pepper grinder fell to the floor. The Duke grabbed some more china plates from a cardboard box that was on the table and started to throw them at the invisible foe.

"You throw like a girl, mate!" a voice called out in a mocking Australian accent and laughed once more. This only angered the Duke even more and that sent even more plates flying. Miss Pauling was ducking out of the way of broken dishes, all while sneezing since there was way too much pepper in the air. Even the Duke was starting to sneeze from the overabundance of pepper! Finally, after all the plates had been thrown, the Duke and Miss Pauling where standing in the middle of a mess.

"I'll get my kukri, you try and find that darn cat!" the Duke told her. Miss Pauling wasn't sure if the Duke was of sound mind. Just a moment ago he was throwing plates an imaginary person! She was glad to leave the chaotic camper. _Perhaps what just happened is the __real__ reason the Duke never gets many invites._ She thought as she exited the camper. Once outside, Miss Pauling noticed the faint smell of tobacco in the air. The smell was all too familiar and she darted along the path, hoping to find the source of the smoke.


	5. Asking Help from the Cheshire Spy

She was getting closer to finding where the smoke was coming from when all of a sudden; Miss Pauling came to a fork in the road. She smelled the smoke dissipate from the woods and stopped in her tracks. She looked around, wondering who or what had made the smoke. "Up here, _ma chère_." a voice told her. Miss Pauling looked up and saw a familiar face. It was the BLU Spy relaxing on a tree branch, smoking a cigarette and grinning like…a Cheshire cat! In fact, he would have been the BLU Spy if not for the cat ears and tail. They were the same shade of blue that matched his pinstripe suit and balaclava.

"I could smell your cigarette smoke a mile away." Miss Pauling told the Cheshire Spy.

"Then you must have ze nose of a bloodhound to smell it that far away." he retorted.

"I'll take it as a compliment." Miss Pauling said, not too pleased upon being compared to a mutt. "So the Duke wasn't making you up, you are real."

"As real as you and ze sky above!" he said and took a puff of his near-ending cigarette.

"Why do you enjoy making the Duke angry?"

"And why do you suddenly care? My quarrel with that filthy jar man iz none of your business!" the Spy was getting annoyed with her, so Miss Pauling quickly changed the subject. "Have you seen a Scout running around these parts? I've lost sight of him and I have no idea where he went."

"I have not seen ze little bunny, most likely running back home to cry about how he's still a virgin." The Spy then started to laugh as Miss Pauling glared at him.

"That was tasteless." she scolded the cat, who stopped laughing. "Forgive me, I'm normally much more suave then that." he said and stamped out his cigarette butt.

"Then answer me this: Is there a way out of the forest? I tried to ask Heavy-Dee and Heavy-Dum over an hour ago, but they weren't all that helpful."

The Cheshire Spy snorted. "Of course they weren't helpful! Those two fatheads are completely useless on giving directions!" And then he disappeared.

_Where did he go?_ Miss Pauling franticly looked for the Spy. He re-appeared in front of her, causing her to jump. "Please don't do that again!" she said, catching her breathe.

"If you want to get out of ze woods, just follow ze left path to ze March Engineer's house." The Spy vanished and re-appeared on the left path and pointed to the sign that read March Engineer. "Or, you could go right to ze Mad Medic's house instead." He did the same act again, this time pointing to the sign that read Mad Medic.

"Just how mad is the Mad Medic?" Miss Pauling asked the Cheshire Spy.

"My, my, don't we ask a lot of questions for such a bright looking _mademoiselle_." He told her. "However, I do enjoy answering them, and passing on knowledge always has its rewards. Anyway, the Medic iz delightfully mad; I can assure you _ma chère_."

"Then I'll go see the March Engineer instead. Surely he'll be more reasonable than the Medic."

"Eh, no. The March Engineer iz mad as well. In fact, I'm mad too…" The Spy disappeared again.

"Hey, come back!" Miss Pauling sighed. "But I don't want to go meet any mad people."

"Then you must be mad yourself, my dear!" The Cheshire Spy re-appeared in front of Miss Pauling and tapped the tip of her nose. She flinched as the Spy faded away once more. He appeared back on his tree branch again, lighting up another cigarette and taking a puff before he exhaled a stream of smoke.

"I am not mad!" she said and stamped her foot in anger.

"You just proved to me that you are. Or, do you just have a colorful personality?"

Miss Pauling knew he was right. She collected herself.

"Anyway, I must part. I certainly do hope we meet again. If you need my advice once more, I'd suggest go see the Mad Medic…he throws the best tea parties." As the Cheshire Spy was saying this, his body was slowly fading away until there was nothing left but his head.

"Thank you, I will."

"Just remember, _ma chère_: Everyone iz mad here and eventually, you will be too!" he laughed as his head finally went away.

"I am not mad; I am the only sane person here. Let's just hope that cat is wrong about the Medic and the Engineer."


	6. The Mad Medic's Tea Party

Miss Pauling followed the Cheshire Spy's advice and went along the right path to see the Mad Medic. When she arrived, she saw the Mad Medic's house and entered through a topiary archway. This led her to the backyard where a long dining table was set up. Miss Pauling saw that the table was littered with dozens of different colored teapots and teacups of all shapes and sizes. The table also had many platters of sweets and baked goods. At the head of the table sat the Medic, wearing a top hat with an English hat marker's label sticking out from its brim. He wore a bright green tuxedo jacket over his white button-up shirt. The Medic also wore orange pants and brown loafers.

To his left was the March Engineer. He wore a dark reddish orange shirt with a brown bowtie and matching pants, but still retained his one glove, hardhat and goggles. There was another guest to the Medic's right side. It was a man with an eye patch, slumped over the table. Dressed in traditional Scottish attire, he was snoring and grasping a liquor bottle. He had dark brown mouse ears on top of his head that twitched as he snore, making Miss Pauling giggle with amusement. The Mad Medic looked up from his cup and saw Miss Pauling standing by the entranceway. He motioned her to take a seat, to which she did. But as soon as she did, he grimaced at her.

"What's the problem?" she asked.

"No room, no room! Everyone, move down one seat!" the Mad Medic commanded. He slapped the sleeping one-eyed man across the face. He immediately woke up, groggy of his surroundings.

"What just happened?!" the mouse-eared man snorted.

"Move down one seat, Door-Demo!" the Medic said. The Dorr-Demo grumbled (as did Miss Pauling) as they all moved down one seat. "Much better. Now," the Medic said, turning to Miss Pauling, "vhat can I do for you today _fräulein_?"

"Well, I'm trying to find a Scout that has taken my car keys. Have you seen him?"

"_Nein_, how about you?" he asked the March Engineer. "Nope" replied the Texan. "Door-Demo, have you?"

"Have I what?" the man slurred. "Seen a Scout?" "Nah, but I have seen a…" the Door-Demo fell asleep before he could even finish his sentence.

"Aw hell, there he goes again. He's always fallin' asleep." The March Engineer said.

"Perhaps he should see a doctor." Miss Pauling said eyeing the Mad Medic. "I can't do anything for him." he told her as he took a sip of tea from his cup. "That's too bad. He seems like a nice guy."

"Oh, how about a game!" the Medic quickly said as he clapped his hands. "I love games!" the Engineer gleefully chimed in. "Tell me, are you good at riddles?" the Medic asked Miss Pauling. "I suppose so." she told him. "Alright, riddles it is."

The Mad Medic cleared his throat and presented his riddle: "Vhy is a raven like a writing desk?" Everyone pondered over the riddle for a few minutes. "I give up! You picked a tough nut to crack." The Engineer told the Medic.

"I'm out." Miss Pauling said, tossing her arms in defeat to the side. "So, why is a raven like a writing desk?" "I have no idea!" the Mad Medic answered. He and the March Engineer both let out boisterous laughs. Miss Pauling just let out a frustrated sigh. "At least you could have offered me some tea." She muttered.

"Speaking of tea, I seem to be out." The March Engineer said, tipping over his tea cup. "Move down, move down!" the two men shouted. And so they all moved down one chair (the Door-Demo was starting to get cross).

"I think I'll take me leave. It's been fun gentlemen and I thank you for the tea." That you never offered. Miss Pauling stood from her chair. The Medic shoved a rather large cup in front of her. "Here, drink up." "Thank you." she said and sipped her tea. It was refreshing, especially since Miss Pauling had been running around all day.

"I've got something to say!" the Door-Demo stated. "And that is?" "A song! _Twinkle, Twinkle Little Scrumpy/How I wonder why you're so…Lumpy?_ Ah, forget it!" he stopped singing and fell right back to sleep. _That was productive._ Miss Pauling thought as she finished her tea.

Suddenly, the Scout Rabbit appeared. "Yo Doc! Ya got any of those little cream-filled cakes?"

"No. I swear you eat all my food like you vere some pig instead of the bunny you are." The Mad Medic told the Scout with slight annoyance. "Hey isn't that the Scout you're looking for?" the March Engineer asked Miss Pauling. She set her teacup down onto the table and looked up at the Scout.

"Don't you run off! I've got something of yours." She pulled out the white gloves.

"My gloves! Give'em back!"

"Give me my car keys and you'll get your gloves back." The Scout Rabbit hesitated. "Fine." he said. "But you hand me the gloves first."

Miss Pauling did so. "Now, my keys." she said, holding out her hand. The Scout was about to drop them the palm of Miss Pauling's hand when he gave her a quick smirk and pocketed the keys back into his pants.

"Fooled ya!" the Scout Rabbit said and dashed off.

"You little—Oh, wait until I get my hands on you!" Miss Pauling raced after him. As she was chasing him, she noticed that the grass was becoming taller and taller. Miss Pauling then realized that she was shrinking once more. It was the tea that she had drunk earlier that the Mad Medic had given her! Soon she was the size of an insect. With nowhere else to go, Miss Pauling continued to walk along the path.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Do you really want to know the answer to the riddle? For centuries, no one has been able to find a clear answer (Lewis Carroll, aka Charles Dodgson never intended the riddle to have an answer). Just copy and paste the following link and you'll have your answer(s): wiki/The_Hatter


	7. The Soldierpillar's Advice

Miss Pauling soon came across a red and white spotted mushroom as she was navigating through the grass. Feeling exhausted, she leaned against the steam and paused to rest. "Who are you, private?" a voice commanded. Startled, Miss Pauling step out from under the cap and looked up to see a large blue caterpillar. This particular insect would have been just an ordinary creature, expect it just happened to look like the BLU Soldier, complete with his helmet covering over his eyes and a cigar he was puffing. The smoke curled around Miss Pauling, who coughed and swatted away the smoke from her face.

"Excuse me?"

"I said who are you? State your business!"

"Well, the thing is…I don't know who I am exactly." Miss Pauling told him. The Soldierpillar let out a "humph!"

"Not good! How does one expect to go into battle when he doesn't know who he is?!"

"Might I have a chance to explain myself?"

"You may proceed." The Soldier said as he took another puff of his cigar and exhaled.

"I have been constantly changing sizes all day, from the size of a doll to the height of a skyscraper. I have also had my patience tested since I've arrived here. Nearly everyone I've met is completely insane, so to speak." Miss Pauling was used to dealing with mentally unstable individuals; her job was basically keeping the mercenaries of RED and BLU in line. But here in this land, it was damn near impossible just to ask a simple question!

"I see…" the Soldier said, mulling on her explanation. "But that's not an excuse not to go into battle. Here, look at these plans I devised." He tossed her a packet of papers. Miss Pauling caught them and read the title aloud.

"The Jane Doe Attack?" she eyed him, questioning his methods.

"Read it!" he commanded. Miss Pauling opened to the first page and began to read.

"Private A shall hide behind a large rock, ready to fire. Privates B and C shall run around like a gaggle of geese as the enemy is alerted of our presence. Once the enemy is within firing range, Private A shall unleash a rainstorm of bullets."

"Stop reading private! Now, how did you think that plan of action shall help us win the good fight?"

"I don't think it's a sound plan."

"Then your question has been answered." The Soldierpillar said.

Miss Pauling was confused. How did the Soldierpillar's attack plans help her figure out who she is? The Midwesterner saw her confused look and decided to ease her worried mind.

"Basically it means this, private: You are a rather observant individual and you know how to get yourself out of a scrap. Thus, by not following the plan, you are already ahead of the game. Got it, sweetheart?"

She didn't quite understand his logic, but she nodded as if she understood. "I do feel a little better, thank you." The Soldierpillar smiled.

"Good, now that is what I wanna see!" he chuckled as he took another hit of his cigar.

"Now that that is settled, I was wondering if you've seen a Scout around here."

"That's a negative, miss. I have not moved from this spot since yesterday morning! Plus, Scouts are cowards when it comes to battles, always runnin' away…" he grumbled.

"I don't suppose you know a way for me to return to my original size." Miss Pauling asked.

"Don't you enjoy the view?"

"Yes, but I would rather be my normal height. Being this small is rather…inadequate." said Miss Pauling. Suddenly, the Soldierpillar let out a rather load scream.

"How dare you say this height is inadequate?! I am perfectly happy being this height! If it is not up to your standards miss, then you are dismissed!" He slide off the mushroom and began to slide past Miss Pauling. "One side of the mushroom will make you taller, the other side will make your smaller." he said, ignoring her.

"Which side are you talking about?" she called to him. The Soldierpiller slid right up to her, glaring down at her. "Figure it out for yourself, cupcake!" he angrily said and went on his way.

"What a rude individual." She said and stared at the mushroom. Miss Pauling went over and grabbed a chunk off the left side and right. Placing the right piece in her pocket, she held up the left piece to her mouth and bit into it. After chewing and swallowing, Miss Pauling waited for something, anything to happen. Before she knew it, she shot up toward the sky and was soon high above the canopy itself.

"Guess I bit off more than I could chew." Miss Pauling said to herself.

"Ugh! What a terrible pun!" The voice was coming from a white dove that was atop Miss Pauling's head. It fluttered down from its nest and was now eye to eye with her.

"I know, I agree with you."

"Don't try to butter me up, you wench! You're here to eat my eggs!"

"I beg your pardon?"

The dove scoffed at Miss Pauling. "You're going to eat my eggs! I shall peck at you until blood appears…Oooh, blood! I can hardly contain myself!"

The morbid little dove started to peck at the tip of Miss Pauling's nose. She tried to shoo it away, but the dove was persistent! Miss Pauling remembered she had the other piece of mushroom and quickly took it out of her pocket. No sooner than she ate it, Miss Pauling started shrinking back down to earth. She was back to her normal size, and quite relieved too. She tossed the rest of the mushroom to the side and started down the path, which did take her out of the woods.


	8. The Queen of Hearts' Garden Party

Before long, Miss Pauling arrived at the beautiful garden she had first seen when she entered this strange land. "Now, where to find that Scout." She said and began her search. She looked high and low, but no such luck. When she had given up, the Scout Rabbit came bounding into the garden.

"Ah-HA!" Miss Pauling cried.

"Aw crap." the Scout Rabbit gulped when he saw her march over to him.

"Do you know how long I've been trying to find you, you stupid little…bunny!"

"No time sister, the Queen's comin!"

"The Queen?"

"Yeah and she ain't exactly the benevolent type either!" the Scout told her. Miss Pauling was actually impressed that the Scout knew the word "benevolent". But it was the fact that a Queen was about to make her presence known that Miss Pauling was curious to see her (especially since she was able to make the Scout quiver in his shoes in fear of her).

"Can I have my car keys back?"

"Later! Here she comes!" the Scout Rabbit told her and shoved Miss Pauling to the side to clear the path the Queen was going to walk though.

A parade of subjects soon came down the stairs. They were followed by the King and Queen of Hearts. Miss Pauling gasped when they appeared. The King looked just like Saxton Hale, the CEO of Mann Co. He was dressed in traditional king garb, all accented with hearts. And the Queen herself was none other than the Administrator herself! She looked elegantly dressed in a queen's ball gown complete with hearts adorned all over the fabric. She looked stern while the King was smiling like a smitten school boy. The Scout Rabbit unrolled a parchment and read aloud from it.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, I proudly present the King—"

The Queen shot a dirty look at the Scout, who chuckled nervously and cleared his throat.

"Uh, I present the Queen and King of Hearts."

The Queen smiled at the Scout, who looked quite relieved that he was able to correct his mistake in a timely fashion. "My dear Helen, I must say it's a glorious day for a garden party, if I do say so myself." The King told his Queen. "Oh, do shut up Saxton! I've got the feeling that somebody screwed up something…"

Just as soon as she said that, two guards dragged in a card-shaped man. In fact, the guards themselves where cards as well! They threw the man on the ground.

"Your Highness, we caught this card painting your beloved rose bush red!" the two of spades addressed to his monarch. The three of diamonds (whose name was Tom the Gardener) looked up at the Queen. Miss Pauling saw the guilty look on the poor card's face, which only enraged the Queen.

"Your majesty, I can explain. I accidently planted white roses instead of the red ones that you prefer."

"So you though that by painting them red I wouldn't notice?" the Queen said. Tom the Gardener said nothing in return.

"Off with the gardener's head!" she commanded. The two card guards snickered at Tom's fate. The Queen took notice of the guards' reactions.

"Don't think you're getting off easy, you imbeciles! Off with your heads too!"

The two guards and Tom all screamed as they were dragged off to meet their maker. Miss Pauling nudged the Scout Rabbit.

"Is she always this cruel toward her subjects?"

"Chopping off heads is her favorite pastime. Just hope ya not in her crossfire."

"I don't plan on it. Just give me my car keys now."

"Alright, alright. Man, you're just as pushy has the Queen herself! Ya sure ya not related ta her?" the Scout said and started to dig through his waistcoat pocket. Suddenly, the Queen of Hearts came up behind the little bunny and coughed. He heard her cough and looked up. The Scout smiled timidly.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to this nice young lady?"

"Oh yes, uh, this is, uh…"

"Miss Pauling. It's a pleasure to meet you." She said and curtsied. This pleased the Queen.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too, my dear. Rabbit!" she snapped at the Scout. He flinched when the Queen said his name. "Go check to see if those guards and that gardener have been executed. Report back to me immediately if they are good as dead!"

"Yes ma'am!" the Scout Rabbit said and sped off.

"Shall we take a walk around the garden?" the Queen suggested to Miss Pauling. "Of course, I would love that."

The Queen was taking a shining to Miss Pauling. They two woman then took a small stroll in the garden. Miss Pauling marveled at the beauty of the Queen of Hearts' flowers, topiary and landscapes.

"I must say that your garden is very beautiful." Miss Pauling commented.

"Why, thank you. After all, this garden is the best in all the land. Say, do you like the game croquet?"

"I believe I do your majesty." Miss Pauling was about to add that she hadn't played since she was a child, but it was best not to make the Queen angry.

"Good! Let's have a quick game; it'll be all in good fun. Saxton!" she called her husband. He instantly came over to the Queen. "Yes, my dear?"

"Go and tell the servants that they must set up the croquet game. Their Queen is in the mood to play." "Anything for you, my love." The King of Hearts said. He bowed and went off to go set the game up.

…..

While the game was being set up, Miss Pauling was busy trying to remember the rules of croquet. All of a sudden, the Cheshire Spy appeared next to her.

"Hello _ma chère_." he greeted her and took a drag of his cigarette.

"Cheshire Spy! Am I glad to see you! I've been invited to—"

"I know. I was here the whole time, just not to the naked eye."

"Then you know about the Queen's pastime for chopping heads off." Miss Pauling said.

"First hand." The Cheshire Spy said as he finished his cigarette and proceeded to lit up another. Miss Pauling's eyes shot out wide with surprise. "_Oi_, don't worry, I've got nine lives. In fact, I've only had my head severed off twice now."

"That means you have seven lives now."

"Don't push it my dear. Oh look, you're game is starting! FYI: The Queen, she is a sore loser, so don't upstage her or EECH!" the Spy motioned his head being sliced off to prove his point. Miss Pauling nodded and he vanished once more.


	9. A Rather Odd Game of Croquet

A trumpet was blown to mark the beginning of the game and everyone took their places. Miss Pauling looked around to see where the equipment was. The King of Hearts noticed her quizzical look.

"What's the matter?"

"Where are the mallets and balls? I don't see any."

"Oh, there right here." Saxton said and handed her a flamingo and a hedgehog. The pink flamingo let out a squawk and immediately straightened itself to a shape similar to a croquet mallet. The bright blue hedgehog rolled itself in a ball in Miss Pauling's hand. The needles on the animal's body where blunt and only pricked her hand slightly. These where the strangest croquet mallet and ball she had ever seen (although it did remind her of a certain story)! Never less, the game had begun and the Queen of Hearts was first to play. She lined up her shot and with the class of a skilled billiards player, whacked her red hedgehog through the arch (which was a hunched over card servant). The audience golf clapped for the Queen, who beamed proudly.

"Your turn, Miss Pauling." she said to her. Miss Pauling took her place and lined up her shot. She was about to swing her flamingo when it suddenly went limp. She shook the bird, who only continued to remain lifeless. "Stupid bird, you better get your act together or your head will be on the chopping block." Miss Pauling told the bird, who gulped in fear. He returned to his stick-straight stance, thus allowing Miss Pauling to complete her shot. The blue hedgehog rolled just a hair shy behind the Queen's.

"Nice shot, but no one can beat me at this game." The Queen said and prepared for her next shot. The game went on for a few more minutes with Miss Pauling always a few points behind the Queen. Miss Pauling was becoming quite bored, hoping that something would happen to break up the monotony. Well, she got her wish when the Cheshire Spy appeared. He mouthed _keep quiet_ and snuck behind the Queen. Miss Pauling realized what he was about to do and mouthed _no_ to him. Alas, he wasn't going to back down. He made himself invisible once more and plucked the Queen of Heart's crown right off her head!

"What the-?! " she stammered as the crown floated away. "My crown! Who dares to touch my crown?! You!" she pointed to Miss Pauling. "Off with her head!"

"It's not me; it's that Cheshire Spy who took your crown!" Miss Pauling said to the enraged Queen.

The crown bobbed along in the air as the still invisible Cheshire Spy laughed at his practical joke. "Stop laughing!" the Queen commanded to her. "I am not laughing!" Miss Pauling said. Suddenly, the Spy made himself visible and winked at her. Miss Pauling pointed to him and told the Queen took look to her right. She did and he disappeared. He repeated his actions once more, this time to the left side of the Queen.

"I'm getting annoyed with the way you are toying with me! Guards! Take this girl away and have her head removed, IMMEDATLEY!"

Just before the guards could do so, the Scout Rabbit came racing into the garden, looking very high strung. "Your Highness; the royal tarts have been stolen!" Everyone gasped. The Cheshire Spy stopped playing with the crown and dropped it back onto the Queen's head. He scampered off, which was the smartest thing to do at this point in time.

"What?! Who would do such a thing?!" the Queen asked.

"I believe we have a suspect."

"Then a trail must take place!" the Queen then commanded everyone to gather at the Great Hall.


	10. The Knave of Hearts' Trail

The Great Hall had been assembled into a courtroom once everyone had filed in. High in the judge's chair was the Queen of Hearts herself with the King of Hearts sitting next to her. Miss Pauling was searching to find an empty seat when she saw the Duke flag her down, pointing to an empty seat next to him.

"I thought you said that you were a lone wolf who didn't enjoy going to parties." She said as she took the seat the Duke offered.

"I do enjoy getting out once and a while. Plus, it's required that all the Queen's subjects attended a trail. So, did you enjoy your time with the Queen?"

"Yes, except for the part in which she wanted to chop my head off." Miss Pauling said as she and the Duke watched as various animals started to fill the jury box. Birds, Lizards and Fish all took their seats and grabbed their chalkboards. The creatures began to scribble words furiously, all while making clicking, squawking and burbled noises.

"What exactly are they doing?"

"Oh, they are taking notes about the trail." The Duke told her.

"But the trail hasn't even begun!"

"Guess they're gettin" a head's start. They're a bunch of stupid creatures after all, can't even remember their own bloody names."

One of the animals proudly showed another what he had written on his chalkboard. The word "Pootis" was written in all capital letters in white chalk on the green board. Miss Pauling only shook her head, knowing that the trail wasn't going to go over well. The Queen rapped her gavel hard and loud and the entire courtroom grew quiet.

"Order in the court! Please deliver the suspect to the stand!" she ordered the bailiff.

The doors opened and two card guards produced the accused man: The Knave of Hearts. In fact, the Knave was the RED Pyro! He (or she, or in a general term, it) still retained its signature gasmask, but was dressed as a knave. A pair of handcuffs was on the Pyro's wrists. The guards led the fire starter to the witness box and closed the door. Miss Pauling couldn't help but feel sorry for Pyro. It looked remorseful as it stood in the witness box and sighed unhappily.

"Rabbit! Please read the accusation." The King demanded. The Scout Rabbit unrolled his parchment and read aloud.

"_The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts_

_All on a summer's day._

_The Knave of Hearts, he took those tarts_

_And took them quite away._"

"That's all I need to hear, off with—"

"My dear, you need to call a witness." Saxton gently reminded her. She shot him an annoyed look. "But he needs to be given a fair trial."

"Fine, but make it quick." The Queen said, none too happy.

"Call the first witness!" the Scout Rabbit cried. The Mad Medic and the March Engineer entered the courtroom. The Medic was holding a teacup and a slice of buttered bread in his hands. He handed them to the March Engineer, who proceeded to nibble on the bread and took a small sip of tea while the Medic bowed to the Queen and King.

"_Danke_, _danke_. How can we assist the lovely Queen of Hearts on this fine day?"

"Tell me, did the Knave steal my tarts?" she pointed to Pyro, who shook its head no.

"Hmmm…can't say if he did or didn't. However, he did steal my tarts last week."

"I don't care if the Knave stole your tarts or not. I want to know if that, that…thing took mine! March Engineer, could you provide a better answer then your friend here?"

"Yes, your Highness." The Engineer replied. "To my knowledge, our little buddy here could have stolen the tarts, but in fact, he might have stolen them."

"How so?"

"One thing is that your Knave here was at our tea party last week. So, just by being at the party, he could have stolen your tarts, Mad Medic. As for the might for yours…I got nothin'."

The Queen let out a frustrated sigh. "Might the Knave have something to say about this?"

The Pyro started to speak, but it was muffled by its gasmask. The Queen glared at the March Engineer, who knew he had to translate Pyro's stifled speech for the court. The Engineer listened intently. "He says that he did not take the tarts, but knows who did."

"Then who did take them?" the Queen asked. The Pyro mumbled and pointed to Miss Pauling.

"Me?! But I—" she started to say but was interrupted by the Queen.

"To the stand!" she told Miss Pauling, who was escorted down to the witness box. She looked up at the Queen in her judge's chair, eyeing her with pure hatred.

"Explain to the court why you took my tarts."

"I beg your pardon. I never have even seen your tarts." Miss Pauling said.

"The off with your head!"

Suddenly, Miss Pauling's anger over how pointless this trail, no, this entire day had been, gave her the confidence to stand up to everyone. In fact, as her confidence grew, so did she! Soon Miss Pauling over towered everyone in the courtroom (and almost hitting her head as a result of her sudden growth spurt). The Queen just looked at Miss Pauling, in horror as it was now Miss Pauling, and not her, was staring her down. Miss Pauling just smirked at the Queen.

"I will not have anything to do with this silly trail anymore, your Majesty. You're all out of order!"

"You…You are the one who's out of order! All person's more than a mile high must leave the courtroom immediately!"

"HA! I highly doubt that." Miss Pauling said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Guards! Seize her!" the Queen screeched.

A gaggle of card guards where around Miss Pauling's feet. They started to poke at her ankles with their spears. She just scoffed at the tiny guards' attempt to capture her. "You're nothing more than a pack of cards." She told them. Miss Pauling picked them up and tossed them about the room. As they fluttered all over, the numbers of cards grew and soon blanketed her vision. Suddenly, everything went black.


	11. Home Again, Home Again

"Miss Pauling…Miss Pauling, you OK?" a voice asked. She moaned and her vision was slightly blurry.

"Hey Doc! I think she's gonna be OK!"

"Scout, I think you can stop fanning her now." another voice told him.

"Oh, sorry." Scout said and stopped.

Miss Pauling's vision, though still blurry, cleared and she was now wide awake. She fumbled for her glasses, trying to find them. The Medic handed her a pair of purple cat-eye glasses. Miss Pauling put them on, now seeing everything better. She was in the RED Medic's infirmary, lying down on a hospital bed. The pesky RED Scout was next to her, holding a paper fan.

"How did I end up here? The last thing I remember was that I was in the parking lot and you" she pointed to the Scout "told me to close my eyes." Miss Pauling explained.

"Vell, from vhat Scout here told me, you suddenly passed out next to your car, hitting your head as you fell." The Medic explained.

"I got nervous an' grabbed Doc and we brought you here. You were out for a long time, Miss P."

Miss Pauling touched her forehead and winced. She felt a bump and a bandage covering it. "I hit my head pretty hard, huh?"

"Not too bad. A small cut, but otherwise, you're perfectly fine."

"Doc told me to take ya home. He doesn't want ya ta drive." Scout informed Miss Pauling.

"OK. Thank you, the both of you."

"No trouble at all, _fräulein_. Now, if you'll excuse me, my tea is ready. Cold tea isn't good for ze stomach. Vould you like a cup before you leave, Miss Pauling?" the Medic asked her.

This was all too familiar. Miss Pauling politely declined and the Medic took his leave, all while humming a well-known children's song. Miss Pauling sighed and slowly rose from the bed. Still feeling slightly dizzy, she was glad that, for once, the RED Scout wasn't trying to irritate her. He managed to help her to her car and together they drove back to her apartment.

"You need help gettin' inside?"

"No, I can manage. Scout…thank you again. You may be an annoying—"

"Annoying?!"

"Well…excitable, for lack of a better word. Still, if you hadn't brought me to see the Medic, who knows what would have happened to me."

"Aw, it was nothin'." The Scout said, cheeks blushing red from slight embarrassment. Miss Pauling smiled. "Oh! By the way, when you asked me to close my eyes earlier; what where you planning to do?"

The RED Scout blinked, growing even more embarrassed. He stuck his hand into his pocket, fumbling for something. He pulled out something that was enclosed in his fist.

"Found this earlier today in the Lost and Found box. Might be yours, so…here." he sheepishly handed the object to Miss Pauling.

When she inspected the object, Miss Pauling almost gasped. It was a necklace with what appeared to be a pocket watch charm. The charm looked exactly like the one in her dream. Maybe it wasn't a dream…still, she thanked Scout once more and they parted ways. She watched Scout head toward the bus station to hitch a ride back to RED. Miss Pauling looked at the watch charm once more and chuckled. "Perhaps that little bunny isn't so bad after all."

The End


End file.
